Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
