so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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