My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
