By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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