Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I want her autograph on my taint
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
