i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
