My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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