I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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