I didn't shave. On purpose
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
