I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
