please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
