she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
