i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
