He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
