What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
