She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
