he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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