This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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