pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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