i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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