Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
