I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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