Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
being pregnant is like rehab
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We left the knife in your bed.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
