Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
