There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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