Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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