know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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