You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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