Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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