so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
