I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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