I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
