Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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