The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
