Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
