yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
