Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
