you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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