i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
