I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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