There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize