I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
