"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
