I skipped work to stalk him.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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