this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
