I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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