Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
