This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
