im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
