pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
