we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
