Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You made out with two different species that night
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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