You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize