If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Randomize
