In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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