Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
