new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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