Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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