When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
