now i know why i became what i already was.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
