I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
