I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
