his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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