this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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