Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
