If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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