im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
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