I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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